I was just reading an article in my P31 Woman magazine. I really like this months issue a lot. I don't know about you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others. I never feel like I really fit in with other women. I have many different views on many different subjects and I am not above voicing my thoughts (sometimes very loudly). I have been told that I have a strong personality...and I get that this can rub a lot of people the wrong way. ( I see this in my youngest). I also believe that God gifted me with this for a reason and will admit that I am in the process of learning how to manage and appropriate this gift.
I have never been meticulous about much of anything, mostly because when I try to get things "just perfect" there is always something to unravel what I have just done. Always! This can be insanity for a control freak...(and it was for years).
Many people try to have a trajectory path for how they would like their lives to go. The only thing I was ever sure of is that I wanted to be married and have children. Once I was there I realized I was more clueless than ever before.
I never became fanatical over an engagment ring or planning my wedding (I wanted to go to the justice of peace, however I was my mother's only daughter, enough said.) When it came to having our children I was never meticulous about the brand of diaper, stroller, nursery furniture or preschool. Infact those conversations left me yawning. I always wondered why I just couldn't get into what seemed so important to the other soon to be mothers. (Kind of puts a damper in conversation making a get togethers).
Then I moved to Alaska, where nearly everyone I knew homeschooled their children, knew how to cook like the best contestant on "Top Chef" and could sew their kids easter outfits in a few days time frame all the while volunteering at church and making time for anyone who had a need. Comparing myself to these women, I felt like a big fat ZERO!
The worst guilt that I felt was because I honestly had no desire to do any of the above...and I felt that there was something wrong with me. Was I the only woman in the universe who wasn't interested in what most women seemed to be all about? Was I defective? Did God make a mistake?
Through the years I came to realize that this was just who I am and there was not anything wrong with me ( or the women who desired those things). We're al made according for our purpose, the purpose for which God made us, our mission while here on earth (which I have yet to complete).
Anyhow, back to the article I was reading that inspired my soul, and made me feel a bit more "normal". It's called "Things I don't do" by Shauna Niequist.
I am going to pick out exerpts from her short publication that made me feel so much more "normal" than I do most of the time.
"I love the illusion of being able to do it all. People with challenging careers, beautiful homes, vibrant minds and well-tended abs fascinate me. Throw in polite children and a garden and I am coming over for lessons."
"...One day Denise made a life-changing observation. She said it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do what matters most to you..."
Everything is my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. One winter, I got the kind of tired you can't recover from, and you fantasize about what it owld be liek to just not be tired anymore. I was complaining to my husband and bringing up the fact that lots of women travel, work and have kids. Why can't I pull it together?"
He siad something along the lines of "You know, Honey, just because some other people can do all that, it doesn't mean that you can or have to. Maybe it's too much for you." One tiny, almost inperceptible beat of silence. And then I yelled from the depths of my soul: "I'M NOT WEAK!"
(I can relate too well to this author)
Things I DON"T DO:
I don't garden. Id on't do major home improvements or scour antique shops for the perfect home accessories. I don't always change my clothes because I am leaving the house. I don't make our bed in the morning. I don't bake. I don't scrapbook (although it's on my list). I don't spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am, or who spend most of their time talking about what's wrong with everyone else." (author's list)
"...I have written in black and white, sitting on my desk, and when I'm tempted to go rogue and bake muffins, I come back to both lists, and remind myself about the important things:
...that time is finite, as is energy;
...one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life;
...there is work that is only mine to do;
...a child that is ours to raise;
...stories that are mine to tell;
...and friends that are mine to walk with.
The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being."
(Taken from "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, copyright 2010)
I think now, when I am standing in a room full of women, feeling ackward because I don't feel as if I fit in (conversations, etc). I will remind myself of what we do have in common, what is the truth and shake off the guilt of not *feeling* adequate or worthy enough, and that I have genuine purpose.
But most of all that I am not the only one out there who has shared this feeling and thought. ;)
I have never been meticulous about much of anything, mostly because when I try to get things "just perfect" there is always something to unravel what I have just done. Always! This can be insanity for a control freak...(and it was for years).
Many people try to have a trajectory path for how they would like their lives to go. The only thing I was ever sure of is that I wanted to be married and have children. Once I was there I realized I was more clueless than ever before.
I never became fanatical over an engagment ring or planning my wedding (I wanted to go to the justice of peace, however I was my mother's only daughter, enough said.) When it came to having our children I was never meticulous about the brand of diaper, stroller, nursery furniture or preschool. Infact those conversations left me yawning. I always wondered why I just couldn't get into what seemed so important to the other soon to be mothers. (Kind of puts a damper in conversation making a get togethers).
Then I moved to Alaska, where nearly everyone I knew homeschooled their children, knew how to cook like the best contestant on "Top Chef" and could sew their kids easter outfits in a few days time frame all the while volunteering at church and making time for anyone who had a need. Comparing myself to these women, I felt like a big fat ZERO!
The worst guilt that I felt was because I honestly had no desire to do any of the above...and I felt that there was something wrong with me. Was I the only woman in the universe who wasn't interested in what most women seemed to be all about? Was I defective? Did God make a mistake?
Through the years I came to realize that this was just who I am and there was not anything wrong with me ( or the women who desired those things). We're al made according for our purpose, the purpose for which God made us, our mission while here on earth (which I have yet to complete).
Anyhow, back to the article I was reading that inspired my soul, and made me feel a bit more "normal". It's called "Things I don't do" by Shauna Niequist.
I am going to pick out exerpts from her short publication that made me feel so much more "normal" than I do most of the time.
"I love the illusion of being able to do it all. People with challenging careers, beautiful homes, vibrant minds and well-tended abs fascinate me. Throw in polite children and a garden and I am coming over for lessons."
"...One day Denise made a life-changing observation. She said it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do what matters most to you..."
Everything is my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. One winter, I got the kind of tired you can't recover from, and you fantasize about what it owld be liek to just not be tired anymore. I was complaining to my husband and bringing up the fact that lots of women travel, work and have kids. Why can't I pull it together?"
He siad something along the lines of "You know, Honey, just because some other people can do all that, it doesn't mean that you can or have to. Maybe it's too much for you." One tiny, almost inperceptible beat of silence. And then I yelled from the depths of my soul: "I'M NOT WEAK!"
(I can relate too well to this author)
Things I DON"T DO:
I don't garden. Id on't do major home improvements or scour antique shops for the perfect home accessories. I don't always change my clothes because I am leaving the house. I don't make our bed in the morning. I don't bake. I don't scrapbook (although it's on my list). I don't spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am, or who spend most of their time talking about what's wrong with everyone else." (author's list)
"...I have written in black and white, sitting on my desk, and when I'm tempted to go rogue and bake muffins, I come back to both lists, and remind myself about the important things:
...that time is finite, as is energy;
...one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life;
...there is work that is only mine to do;
...a child that is ours to raise;
...stories that are mine to tell;
...and friends that are mine to walk with.
The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being."
(Taken from "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, copyright 2010)
I think now, when I am standing in a room full of women, feeling ackward because I don't feel as if I fit in (conversations, etc). I will remind myself of what we do have in common, what is the truth and shake off the guilt of not *feeling* adequate or worthy enough, and that I have genuine purpose.
But most of all that I am not the only one out there who has shared this feeling and thought. ;)
hey, I was a zero then too, lol.....in Alaska, ya know......where you talk about the Top Chefs, sewing costumes/clothing etc....lol
ReplyDeletemaybe that is why we stayed in touch all these years
we both struggle with this
Omgosh are you kidding me? You had foster children, you ran your own business AND had time for family and friends. You have always been a "Wonderwoman" to me! You are just more down to earth and real (not trying to hide your faults and insecurities) as most the women that I knew did...and THAT is what I like. You are/were one of those women who has never made me feel inadequate or less than AND I can tell you my dear, that THIS is why we have stayed in touch all these years. I adore you! x0
ReplyDelete