Two Thousand Twelve

Two Thousand Twelve:

   As I look back on Two Thousand Eleven I smile. This year wasn’t the best, but it certainly wasn’t the worst year either. As a military spouse I am used to constant change. Change is never easy for me only because I like to be where I am most comfortable. It’s kind of like growing up in a small town. You know everybody, the scenery and schedule doesn’t change very often and life can be pretty much predictable. Sometimes you even look forward to a few small changes here and there just to have a break from the lull of everydayness (is that even a word?)

   I grew up in Palm Harbor, Florida for eighteen years. I looked forward to leaving. I wanted to go where nobody knew who I was; nobody had any expectations of who they thought I was or what my future would hold. I was tired of the “same old same old”. I wanted an adventure. I remember getting off the plane in San Antonio and stepping onto the bus that would lead me to Air force basic training. I had no clue. It was scary and exciting. I like Joyce Meyers saying “Do it afraid!”  She says to use the power of God’s word to do what He wants you to do… even if you have to do it afraid. Good advice. Fear can cripple us and keep us in a place where God never meant for us to remain for too long. It keeps us from doing what we were born to do. Our purpose.

   So I look back on Two Thousand Eleven and I see God’s hand in our life. His provisions. We made plans and he directed our paths…in the opposite direction. He answered prayers, sometimes with a “yes”, sometimes with a “no” and sometimes with a “wait, not yet.” I noticed that this year it seemed a little bit easier for me to accept this. In previous years I might have cried, thrown a fit, continually asked “why” and become bitter and angry. Little by little I am seeing that if I trust Him, everything turns out for the better. My plans seem good, but His is always much better. When I remember this fact, it is easier for me to find peace. When I try to make everything go my way, the way I think things should be, I am not peaceful.

   Two Thousand Twelve is a year that will bring my family much change again. We will be leaving Germany in six short months. We have no clue where the Lord will take us, but we know that wherever it is, it is where He wills us to be and that we will be blessed. My husband is getting ready to retire from the Air Force (another big change coming in 2013). Are we scared? You betcha! In the past twenty years the military life is what we both have lived. It’s the only life our girls have known or remember. Change is inevitable in our lives.

   There is a verse in Ecclesiastes 3, which states “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.”  (Turn, turn, turn)  This is true…for all of us. I look forward to the unknown in my future. It’s like opening a present on Christmas day…a gift. As I am celebrating this “New Year” weekend with my family and friends I will thank God for this past year, for all the trials and all the blessings and joy that it brought. I will look forward to the gift of this brand New Year and all that He will do and what He will teach me.

     I wish you all a Happy New Year! God bless~

Comparing ourselves to others (vintage blog post)

 I was just reading an article in my P31 Woman magazine. I really like this months issue a lot. I don't know about you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others. I never feel like I really fit in with other women. I have many different views on many different subjects and I am not above voicing my thoughts (sometimes very loudly). I have been told that I have a strong personality...and I get that this can rub a lot of people the wrong way. ( I see this in my youngest). I also believe that God gifted me with this for a reason and will admit that I am in the process of learning how to manage and appropriate this gift.

I have never been meticulous about much of anything, mostly because when I try to get things "just perfect" there is always something to unravel what I have just done. Always! This can be insanity for a control freak...(and it was for years).

Many people try to have a trajectory path for how they would like their lives to go. The only thing I was ever sure of is that I wanted to be married and have children. Once I was there I realized I was more clueless than ever before.

I never became fanatical over an engagment ring or planning my wedding (I wanted to go to the justice of peace, however I was my mother's only daughter, enough said.) When it came to having our children I was never meticulous about the brand of diaper, stroller, nursery furniture or preschool. Infact those conversations left me yawning. I always wondered why I just couldn't get into what seemed so important to the other soon to be mothers. (Kind of puts a damper in conversation making a get togethers).

Then I moved to Alaska, where nearly everyone I knew homeschooled their children, knew how to cook like the best contestant on "Top Chef" and could sew their kids easter outfits in a few days time frame all the while volunteering at church and making time for anyone who had a need. Comparing myself to these women, I felt like a big fat ZERO!

The worst guilt that I felt was because I honestly had no desire to do any of the above...and I felt that there was something wrong with me. Was I the only woman in the universe who wasn't interested in what most women seemed to be all about? Was I defective? Did God make a mistake?

Through the years I came to realize that this was just who I am and there was not anything wrong with me ( or the women who desired those things). We're al made according for our purpose, the purpose for which God made us, our mission while here on earth (which I have yet to complete).

Anyhow, back to the article I was reading that inspired my soul, and made me feel a bit more "normal". It's called "Things I don't do" by Shauna Niequist.

I am going to pick out exerpts from her short publication that made me feel so much more "normal" than I do most of the time.

"I love the illusion of being able to do it all. People with challenging careers, beautiful homes, vibrant minds and well-tended abs fascinate me. Throw in polite children and a garden and I am coming over for lessons."

"...One day Denise made a life-changing observation. She said it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do what matters most to you..."

Everything is my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. One winter, I got the kind of tired you can't recover from, and you fantasize about what it owld be liek to just not be tired anymore. I was complaining to my husband and bringing up the fact that lots of women travel, work and have kids. Why can't I pull it together?"

He siad something along the lines of "You know, Honey, just because some other people can do all that, it doesn't mean that you can or have to. Maybe it's too much for you."  One tiny, almost inperceptible beat of silence. And then I yelled from the depths of my soul: "I'M NOT WEAK!"

(I can relate too well to this author)

Things I DON"T DO:
I don't garden. Id on't do major home improvements or scour antique shops for the perfect home accessories. I don't always change my clothes because I am leaving the house. I don't make our bed in the morning. I don't bake. I don't scrapbook (although it's on my list). I don't spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am, or who spend most of their time talking about what's wrong with everyone else." (author's list)

"...I have written in black and white, sitting on my desk, and when I'm tempted to go rogue and bake muffins, I come back to both lists, and remind myself about the important things:

...that time is finite, as is energy;
...one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life;
...there is work that is only mine to do;
...a child that is ours to raise;
...stories that are mine to tell;
...and friends that are mine to walk with.

The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being."


(Taken from "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, copyright 2010)

I think now, when I am standing in a room full of women, feeling ackward because I don't feel as if I fit in (conversations, etc). I will remind myself of what we do have in common, what is the truth and shake off the guilt of not *feeling* adequate or worthy enough, and that I have genuine purpose.

But most of all that I am not the only one out there who has shared this feeling and thought. ;)

Tis' The Season

Tis’ the Season

I love the peace of the Christmas season. For me, it begins Thanksgiving week. This is the week that I really focus on what I am thankful for, all my blessings…both big and small. Of course I do this throughout the year too, but to be quite honest, probably not as much as I should. Who is with me? Smile.

Lately, I have been thinking about those who are going through a rough time during the holidays. I find myself fervently praying for them, for God to comfort them and hold them while they mourn. Recently, Ramstein High School lost one of their own. He was just seventeen years old and a senior. His life was taken when he rounded a corner too fast and hit a tree about a mile from my house, back in September. I guess this has touched me because I remember that day clearly. My husband and I were taking a walk with our dog along the back roads of our village and as we were coming up the hill we heard sirens. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear sirens I begin to pray for the one(s) in trouble. So, naturally I began praying.  

·                                 He didn’t make it. A mother’s worst fear, my heart just broke. As I was praying the other day, I Google searched the young mans name just so I might find something specific to pray for. I was able to find the name of his parents and siblings. This meant a lot to me because that family has been on my heart since that fateful day. I couldn’t imagine losing a child. What I did find out though, touched my heart. This young man was a Christian and so are his parents. His mother posted on his Face Book page “Today I pray to make it thru the day. Tears are coming on their own. I miss being with my daughter, Charessa. And the first holiday without Brendon Is harder than I could have ever dreamed. Sis enjoy today... Mommy loves you and will be with you in4 days! Buddy have a blast up there with Jesus! You are more than lucky to not be on this earth and feel sadness and pain!”

·                                

     While this may be a joyous occasion for many of us, take a moment to think of those out there who are aggrieved. This time of year is not so joyous and peaceful for so many. There are people like you and I who are missing a husband or wife, or sister or brother, or mother or father due to a military deployment or perhaps a death in the family. Some are at the bedside of a sick family member or close friend. Maybe you can be there for them physically and lighten the burden…or maybe you can pray for them. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Mathew (5:4)

     I know that for me, prayers would be coveted during this time in my life. Knowing that people are praying for me would probably be the only way I would have the strength to get out of bed in the morning and make it through the slowly moving minutes of the days that followed my loss. Would you pause during this Christmas season, join me and pray for somebody that you know is going through a hard time and/or suffering a loss?

Philippians 4:6-7 says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Merry Christmas.  

God made her special

     Her name is Karyss. In Greek, her name means “grace”. Her name is perfect for her. Her name is perfect for all of us…everyone needs a little “Karyss” now and then. (Her name in Greek is spelled “Charis”) I did not spell it this way for fear of people calling her “Chair-iss), and surprisingly most people actually pronounce her name correctly!

     Karyss came into the world on November 26, 2000, six weeks early. She was only five pounds 11oz and twenty eight inches long. She was so tiny. Miraculously, praise Jesus. She only had to spend an extra week in the NICU due to her body not being able to regulate her temperature. She was tiny, but perfect! By the time she was fourteen months old I started thinking something was off. She wasn’t interested in walking, unless we “pushed” her to. She did start walking around fifteen months old. She was a mostly quiet baby and toddler, only crying when she was hungry, wet or tired. By the time she was two she was saying words such as “mama” and “dada” and “go” but not very many other intelligible words. She did babble a lot of the time. I know that we are not supposed to compare our children to other children, however, she was not my first child and I just had a feeling something was different. Being the concerned mother, I made an appointment with the pediatrician and took her in to be seen. I was reassured that nothing was “wrong” with her and that she was “just lazy” and would “eventually catch up”.

     Fast forward five more years and a week before we are due to move to Germany and my baby girls is diagnosed with Autism. Pervasive Developmental Delay to be exact. According to the spectrum she is on the “high end” which simply means that she does not have as many issues as some children who are severe on the spectrum. She will interact with you, especially if she knows you and likes you, she will communicate verbally with you, but sometimes has a hard time putting the right words together. Like many Autistic children she likes a “schedule” to follow, and she doesn’t like to venture far from this familiarity. She likes to know what comes next. (She is much like many of us in this way) She is a funny girl much of the time. If she does not know the word for something, she promptly makes one up for it. I could probably write a book full of “Karyss-isms”. She loves to sing and is quite the goofball at times. She likes to mimic what she hears, which is a characteristic in many autistic children. She is as stubborn as a mule, but that has nothing to do with her being Autistic…just human and MY child. *wink*

     Karyss has just turned eleven years old. Although she is not eleven years old in her mind, her body has started to mature, and honestly this scares me…just a little.  The Lord tells us not to worry about anything because he is in control, yet our human nature prompts us to take the things that we cannot control and gives us the illusion that we can indeed control them if we try long and hard enough. John and I are going to need all the help we can get to help Karyss through the teenage years and on into adulthood.

     I also worry about how she will view God. What are her thoughts? She has been going to church since birth and we have been teaching her about Jesus all her life. We also know that God made her, so therefore she has a capability to eventually understand what He sacrificed for her. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.” Psalm 139:13. I also wonder what she will be capable of doing as an adult. Will she be able to live (hold a job) and function (pay her own bills, raise her own family) on her own? These are all valid questions for us to ask.

     My fears as a mother really go beyond this world and what can happen to them while they are here. I worry about their eternity. Every time I choose to worry about Karyss and what she understands God somehow always brings me back to the fact that he is her creator. She will understand what He wants her to and in the time that He wants her to understand. His timing not mine. This is comforting and reassuring to me. He gave her to us (for a reason) and will never leave us hanging and wondering for too long. Parenting is never easy for any of us. I know that I don’t have all the answers, but I know who does. I know that while I continue to trust him and walk by faith, that he will guide me as I parent this special little girl that he saw fit to give me. He must know me WAY better than I know myself…go figure…he made me special too!

Phone call with Grandma

Today I called my grandmother. She is eighty one years old, eighty two this December. I like to call and check in on her (and my grandfather who doesn't really tallk anymore, he had a stroke a few years ago). I love talking to my grandmother, always have. She has always had stories to tell and niblets of wisdom to share and I have always stood by in awe and listened quite intently as she spoke. She always encouraged me to read. We used to frequent a used bookstore when I was a just a young child, it was right around the corner from her house next to a little dairy market where we used to drive through to get milk and ice cream. Memories I will always cherish.
     Grandma shares the same stories over and over a lot of the time, but I don't mind. I have tried to get her to write some of ther stories down for posterity sake, but I don't beleive that she thinks they are important. It's either this or she feels she can't write all of them down because of the arthritis that has riddled her hands over time. I believe that I inherited her exuberance for writing. I remember when I was in the fourth grade and I was given an award for a short story that I wrote titled "Annettes Suprise Birthday". It really was pretty good. I am almost positive that if I had been encouraged further, that I might have had it published one day...and if I can find it I still might. I have a daughter who is an awesome artist (she gets this talent from her father).
     "Genes are funny things" she once wrote " the way they tell, in a child you know full well, you've seen before the things they know. My grandaughter's one as you'll see below. Like her grandma it's certain she can't spell, but it's very apparent she rhymes quite well." (This was written on top of a peice of paper with a poem that I wrote when I was eleven years old). Here is the poem below:
      " The Sea will nod with waves of power, tides will change with every hour, secrabs and seahorses will go to bed with seawead sheats around their heads." (Complete with misspellings)
     I truly believe this (writing) is one of the gifts the Lord has given me. Gifts, some of us like to write, some of us sing and/or write music, some of us can cook and entertain, some of us know exactly how to comfort and say the right words at the exact moment they are needed,some are wise, some of lead, some of us are workers and/or followers...gifts, I could list at least a few hundred that I know of. I am sure there are many, many more. We all are gifted in one way or another, some of us have multiple gifts. I am still finding out what my gifts and talents are and I am thirty seven!
     My point is, if I am going to have a point in this "note" is this: In a world where having an education is key, my grandmother pointed something out in our phone conversation tonight that just helped me to realize that I am moving in the right direction (in my life and in the parenting of my daughters). She said "Amy, not everyone was meant to go to college. You're not going to call a doctor or a lawyer when you need your sink fixed are you? Everyone is so busy pushing their kids today to fufill their own dreams (passed) instead of helping their  children  (encouraging them) to persue their own ...even if it means giving up on some (if not all) expectations." Maybe she didn't state this exactly in those words, but that is what I came out of the conversation with.
    Thank you grandma for speaking those wise words into my life. I know for a fact that there are just some things that can not be taught in a book. I know for a fact that we all have a purpose in our life, a purpose that only we can fufill. I don't know about you, but this sure does make me feel unique. If there is a dream in our hearts, a longing for something...it is most likely put there by our creator...and therefore serves a purpose if we will only persue. If we persue Him, I fully beleive that he will open doors and windows of opportunity where we will be able to use our incomparable giftings and talents...to his advantage.
   
1 Corinthians 12:4-6
“Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.” (ESV)
What are your gifts?
    
One of my first poems...I wrote a story too when I was about nine, now I am wondering where it went!